


Every Time I Watched You Die

by charcolor



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: ........aufrisktic......nvm that's stupid, Autistic Frisk (Undertale), Flavor Text Narrator Chara, Nonbinary Chara (Undertale), Nonbinary Frisk (Undertale), Other, Reincarnation, Spirits, Undertale Pacifist Route
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-17 01:30:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14177646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charcolor/pseuds/charcolor
Summary: You're weak, you know. I'm not trying to insult you. It's just a fact. I guess that's the price for being so kind and selfless all the time.I guess it rubbed off on me. Every time you were killed, I could've abandoned you. If you were anyone else, I probablywouldhave abandoned you. But the farther we were along your journey, the more desperate I grew to see you complete it.





	1. Toriel

**Author's Note:**

> me, with 4 fic drafts and 3 wips, and zero motivation to work on any of them: hey i have an idea,

I really didn't think Toriel would kill you. She was just trying to warn you away from the rest of the Underground. I noticed, when you had a lot of burns and bruises, she kept her attacks aimed away from you. If you hadn't moved, if you'd thought this through a little more, you wouldn't have gotten hurt again.

It makes me wonder if you were even trying to survive.

My first thought was that you weren't strong enough to be worth saving, but two things convinced me otherwise.

First was the look on Toriel's face. When you fell for the last time, her hands flew to clutch over her mouth. After enough time passed to make it clear you weren't going to stand back up, Toriel screamed into her hands. I thought, since my soul was broken, I wouldn't be able to react to this. But I did. Seeing her look so distraught and horrified made me sympathize with her.

I think it was because we shared a soul at this point. I shared your compassion as well. That was the second thing. We were bound together, and I had a strange instinct like never before, that I had to keep your soul intact.

I watched all the other humans die too. I think, even if I wanted to, I couldn't have saved them. I was a mere ghost, not nearly as strong as I am now. But you had determination. I could feel it on your way to Home. When you saw it, it all sort of spilled over, into a place where you could return. 

I left that timeline. I left Toriel screaming and sobbing and clutching your corpse. And I found you again. You aren't very expressive, so only the slightest hint of confidence passed over. I guess it was because now you had a better idea about how to make peace with Toriel, now that she'd killed you once.

It was then I figured out that your soul wouldn't persist long enough after death for any monster to take it. It would just fade back to the last time you had your determination at your highest. Your save point, to put it simply.

It'd be pointless to kill you. I just wish I could've done more to communicate that to all the other monsters. Toriel, in some timeline, is still crying out of utter regret and desparation, so you can only imagine how all those other monsters, who only wanted your soul, felt when it shattered away before they had a chance at grasping it.


	2. Undyne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: self harm mention

Despite the careless mistake you made battling Toriel, you stayed alive for a long time afterward. I was impressed, to be honest.

Of course, it didn't take long to realize you weren't going to die at Papyrus's hand. Unlike Toriel--unlike most mosters, actually--he knew how to hold back his power, only wounding you enough so that you were weak enough to be captured.

I've seen the shed he threatened to shut you in. It was locked from the inside. You weren't in any danger. Not that you would've known that, considering how much effort you put into it. It was actually cute. I don't mean that in a condescending way, I just think you're cute when your thick eyebrows scrunch up like that. It's as if that's where all your efforts come from.

Papyrus...I like him a lot. He's goofy, he's got a heart of gold, and he makes neat puzzles. I find it hard to blame him for allying with Undyne. I mean, she was his boss. I thought she was a menace for a while, but then I saw her face.

I'm used to fish monsters. That wasn't the part that caught me off-guard. It was when she made all those exaggerated goofy faces at you, when she actually stopped to wait behind you while Papyrus talked to you on the phone. Even with that, she was definitely threatening. Very threatening. I felt a faint glow of determination. But monsters don't have that. I still wonder about what she would look like if you slayed her.

In any case, the power she had was enough to crack your skull against the cave wall.

I'm not exactly used to feeling things like fear and shock. And I knew, in the next timeline, you'd be fine. But it was unnerving to see your crumpled, bloody corpse there. It took a moment to regain my composure. By then, I noticed Undyne staring in disbelief and despair. She figured out your soul had already fled to your save point. She stood unmoving, her mouth agape, her spear dropped beside her as she gazed at the child she'd just murdered, only for her prize to be stolen.

She was still paralyzed when I left. Maybe she's still paralyzed now.

The problem was simply that you weren't quick enough. When you realized the true meaning of your soul being free to "escape," you were already out of breath, slashes all over your body. It was too late to save yourself until you returned to your save point with the new knowledge still in your mind.

With your determination to live, it shouldn't matter how many times you were killed. It shouldn't matter how often you failed. It shouldn't have bothered me so much to see your cracked head bleeding out onto the cave floor. It didn't. Really, I wasn't worried about you. It was something else that tugged at my heart.

What I did worry about is how you would win. Undyne was ruthless. I didn't expect her to give up. Of course, once we entered Hotland, it was evident that the fish warrior in heavy metal armor wouldn't be fighting for much longer. But I didn't expect you to give her a small cup of water. Why were you so kind that you would help the woman who had just brutally murdered you in another timeline? I can sympathize with her, a little, I guess. I know a thing or two about hating humanity. Even so, I couldn't bring myself to forgive her just yet.

The strange thing is that it wasn't even the worst thing I've seen, as far as death goes. When I was weaker, when the children had too little determination, I saw so much worse. The girl in the tutu whose eyes were bulged open as a sword sliced through her. The boy with the boxing gloves who charged headfirst into danger and got his body torn in half. The girl with the apron who desparately grabbed for anything as she swam through the boiling lava slowly charring and burning her alive. The girl whose own gun was turned against her, and in the next moment, her brain was splattered. It was a horror movie, watching those children die, being unable to do anything for them.

Compared to them, your second death was tame. But it still struck my heart the most. It must've been the soul we shared. It must've been my soul that was damaged, too. But I'm used to pain. I've cut myself so deep on the surface, I'd been hospitalized more than once. I just couldn't understand why and how I could be unwilling to forgive Undyne for how she hurt you. 


	3. Muffet

Are you afraid of spiders?

I wouldn't have thought so. Back in the Ruins, you didn't seem very grossed out by the spider goodies. I wouldn't have been, either. I don't like spiders very much, but if I was offered a cheap doughnut, I wouldn't pass it up, even if I thought there could be cobwebs all over it. I  _did_ die from buttercup poisoning, though, so maybe I have low standards.

You ate that doughnut when fighting Papyrus, before realizing he's ultimately harmless. And neither of us realized we could have proved to Muffet that you did, in fact, buy some of the spider goodies. You didn't seem as frustrated as I was, though. You didn't even try to tell Muffet that the things she'd been told weren't true.

That's why I wonder, are you afraid of spiders? Muffet said something like, "I heard they hate spiders. I heard they love to stomp on them." You didn't try to object. I guess most spiders wouldn't understand a human's sign language very well, but I think Muffet would've. Is it true, that you actually hate spiders? Or were you too afraid to argue, and that's why you kept giving Muffet your money like a desparate briber?

Or maybe not, and you're just too generous for your own good. I wouldn't doubt it. You're kind, weak, and gullible. And you ran out of money, and forgot to let yourself rest. And Muffet killed you after that. She was disappointed when your soul fled, but she seemed satisfied with all the money you foolishly gave her.

It wasn't as bad as it could've been. I'm sure it must have been painful. That was the first time I really heard your voice, when your whimpers became cries with each fresh bite. Those spiders are venomous, apparently. I'm relieved that I at least didn't have to see you ripped apart to bloody scraps.

Still, it was a little heartwrenching to hear the desperate tears filling your voice. It gave me an urge to find a way to hold you closer and hug you tightly. I didn't want you to be in pain. That was my first concern. It was ridiculous. Of course you needed to be in pain, or else you wouldn't be human.

The first human I ever cared for.

But it was still ridiculous. As long as you had the will to live, you couldn't die. I guess that's the biggest difference between us. I never had any sort of save point. I'm not sure I would have needed it, since Asriel and I hadn't convinced the monsters to kill any human they saw. That was the only "determination" I had. I didn't care enough for my own life to restart, from before that plan was made.

At this point, I almost wished I could've. I wouldn't mind being alive again, if it meant you could talk to me. I never met anyone on the surface who I wanted to grow up and live beside. So I wondered if you were human at all. You seemed more like an angel.

That's what the prophecy said, remember? You read about it in Waterfall. An angel that would make the Underground go empty. You hadn't laid a finger on anyone, unless it was to hug or pet them. So that could only mean you were planning to free the monsters.

That frightened me. The only possible way for that to happen was if you died for good.

I didn't pay attention to your next fight with Muffet. I was busy worrying about you. I never imagined that I could ever feel that again. But now we shared a soul. Was it just you, worrying about your own wellbeing? Did you somehow accidentally control my thoughts with your own emotion?

Something definitely changed after that fight. It shouldn't have been so significant. Muffet let you go and stayed behind. She didn't follow you anywhere. She wasn't important to your journey. But still, something felt stronger. Was it me? You? Our soul?

Was it just the way you almost seemed to look into my eyes for a fraction of a second?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as i write this i think to myself "what nine year old kid talks like this"


	4. Mettaton EX

By the time you fought Mettaton, I was already wondering how you'd die again. Would you be crushed under metal? Would you be electrocuted as you screamed for your life? Would you be torn to shreds or burned alive?

But after you flipped the switch on his back, it became a completely different atmosphere. He wasn't a killer game show host robot anymore. He was the fabulous star of the show, and starting then, so were you.

The lighthearted mood let you relax a little. While dodging Mettaton's attacks, you struck poses and showed a lot of pride in your stance. I saw you smile before then, but this was the first time I ever fully appreciated it. It glittered in the spotlights with so much enjoyment. I never would have thought you to enjoy being the center of attention. You don't talk, and other than this you never showed off. But you seemed in your element performing like that. It made me smile, too, but I didn't really realize. I felt something change in the soul, but I couldn't tell if it was from me or you. Thinking about it now, I know it was my own joy.

It withered away quickly when I saw the colorful laser show blast through your little body.

And again, I watched you die. Watched your body fall like an empty puppet on the stage where Mettaton, blissfully unaware, was posing triumphantly. And as his platinum body shone in the spotlights, the audience was roaring louder than ever.

It was just a show, after all. A show with thrilling action and bloodshed. The more real it seemed, the better it was. The ratings went through the roof, and Mettaton began taking calls from his fans, all while your corpse lay on the floor.

I couldn't help staying a little bit longer. Just to see Mettaton's face change when he turned to thank you for this fantastic show. The audience slowly quieted down when they realized what was going on, and it was silent as Mettaton stared with shock at your body.

Then, suddenly, he raised his eyes a bit and looked right at me. I didn't know how to react, because, being an incorporeal demon, I wasn't supposed to be visible to anyone. Everything was silent for an impossibly long moment, and then Mettaton broke the gaze and turned around.

My own gaze fell, and I realized my hands were, ineffectively, gripping yours, and something cold was burning through my face.

As if I had a reason to be crying. As if I couldn't follow you into the next timeline. As if you were actually dead.

I left your shell behind for the paralyzed crowd to observe. I wonder how Mettaton's entertainment career would have continued in that timeline. On one hand, he accidentally murdered a child. On the other hand, he slayed a human. What would the monsters think of that? Would it matter if they knew it was you, the kind, selfless, brave human who'd come all this way?

It would to me. I've said it before. You were the first human I ever truly cared for. Maybe that's why, when I found you rousing by the entrance to Mettaton's stage, you looked right into my eyes again, this time holding the stare. You signed something with your hands. It was lucky that I happened to know sign language.

You asked, "Who are you?"

I signed each letter. "C-H-A-R-A." Even if I wasn't using my voice, it felt so odd to be telling someone my name.

Your next question was, "Are you haunting me?"

I didn't know how to answer at first. In a sense, I was haunting you, but it wasn't as if you'd ever sinned, or done anything to warrant a curse or a burden. I had no reason to haunt you other than the fact that our souls were bound.

"Why are you haunting me?"

I shrugged, and signed, "I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm tied to you."

"That's okay." You smiled sweetly at me. I think you trusted me right away, even before I'd ever done anything for you. Despite dying in so many worlds, so many times, you've always been so kind and generous. I can't imagine ever being as good as you.

Then you approached me and tried to grasp my hand. Your hand phased right through, of course, but I still felt your warmth. You giggled instead of being disappointed. It was so impossibly pure and innocent that it made me echo your laughter.

"Let's go see Mettaton," you signed. I always think of the way you phrased that. Not "fight Mettaton," but "see Mettaton." It made me realize that, in your mind, you were never fighting at all. You were trying to make amends, make friends, just trying to be good. I can see why Undyne was suspicious of you, to be honest. What did she call it? Your "saccharine schtick?" I don't blame her. It's hard to believe someone as angelic as you could ever exist.

It's almost impossible to believe that you ever trusted someone as demonic as me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will be longer. you might even say it's too long, and i need to shut up once in a while!


	5. Asgore

I don't like thinking about Flowey. I didn't like talking to you about Flowey. I knew his true nature from the beginning, and why he kept burrowing into the ground to follow you. Do you know the reason? It's the same reason he kept calling you by my name. He sensed that I was with you.

I didn't understand what he wanted. I didn't understand how he even existed. I thought I could discover it at New Home. I think you must've noticed, too, how eerily identical it was to Home. And how it was decorated with bright golden buttercups. They were sickening to look at.

"Why are you crying?" you asked. I didn't answer. The monsters hiding in the house answered for you.

"A long time ago, a human fell into the Ruins. Injured by its fall, the human called out for help. Asriel, the king's son, heard the human's call."

You tried to grasp my hand. It phased through, but you paid no mind.

"He brought the human back to the castle.   
Over time, Asriel and the human became like siblings. The King and Queen treated the human child as their own. The underground was full of hope."

You asked me again. "Why are you crying?"

I didn't tell you why I cried. I didn't tell you why I stayed as far away from you as physically possible when you went into  _that_ room. I saw you come out with the dagger and the locket. 

"Can you hide the locket in your sweater, please?" I signed the question, because I doubted that my voice would be clear enough. You looked confused, but you did it anyway. You were always too kind.

"Then...one day...the human became very ill."

You seemed to realize it then. You looked up at me with some kind of fear gleaming in your dark eyes. You stepped closer to me before continuing to walk.

"The sick human had only one request. To see the flowers from their village. But there was nothing we could do."

You spelled out a word with your right hand. "Buttercups." I nodded. I wasn't sure if you saw.

"The next day."

"The next day...the human died."

I wasn't looking at you anymore.

"Asriel, wracked with grief, absorbed the human's soul. He transformed into a being with incredible power. With the human soul, Asriel crossed through the barrier. He carried the human's body into the sunset. Back to the village of the humans. Asriel reached the center of the village. There, he found a bed of golden flowers. He carried the human onto it."

I felt the warmth of your hand grow stronger. When I looked back at you, I think you were crying too. I knew what would happen next. The warmth of your comfort would blend with the heat of my anger.

"Suddenly, screams rang out. The villagers saw Asriel holding the human's body. They thought that he had killed the child. The humans attacked him with everything they had. He was struck with blow after blow. Asriel had the power to destroy them all. But...Asriel did not fight back. Clutching the human...Asriel smiled, and walked away."

I murmured to you, but I didn't know if you were listening. "He should've fought back. He should've. I told him to fight them. I told him to take revenge against their ignorance. He didn't listen to me."

"Wounded, Asriel stumbled home. He entered the castle and collapsed. His dust spread across the garden. The kingdom fell into despair. The king and queen had lost two children in one night."

"I'm sorry." You signed that over and over again as we walked. It seemed like there was something other than pity there. You were regretting something. What was it?

"The humans had once again taken everything from us. The king decided it was time to end our suffering. Every human who falls down here must die. With enough souls, we can shatter the barrier forever."

I don't remember how you reacted when they started speaking to you more directly.

"It's not long now. King Asgore will let us go. King Asgore will give us hope. King Asgore will save us all. You should be smiling, too. Aren't you excited? Aren't you happy?"

I genuinely wondered the same thing. I looked again, but you had no expression other than drying tears when you heard their last words.

"You're going to be free."

* * *

There was something unsettling about the long hallway we entered. I don't know if it was the way Sans stood there, almost completely hidden from the light flooding the room. Or maybe it was the way he spoke to you:

"So you finally made it. The end of your journey is at hand. In a few moments, you will meet the king. Together...you will determine the future of this world."

I know that by "together" he meant you and King Asgore, but for a second I thought he was talking about you and me. Isn't that self-absorbed of me? He wasn't even aware of me. Besides, I'd already tried to change the future of our world. The monsters in New Home didn't tell you how this was all because of my own mistake.

"...Now. You're about to face the greatest challenge of your entire journey. Your actions here will determine the fate of the entire world. If you refuse to fight...Asgore will take your soul and destroy humanity. But if you kill Asgore and go home...monsters will remain trapped underground. What will you do? Well, if I were you, I would have thrown in the towel by now. But you didn't get this far by giving up, did you? That's right. You have something called determination. So long as you hold on...so long as you do what's in your heart...I believe you can do the right thing."

I asked you when he left. "What are you going to do? Do you think he's going to spare you?"

"I don't know," you replied, looking away. "If I mess up, I have my save point, right?"

I wasn't sure that it could be that simple. I think I ended up being right about that, but not in the way that I thought. I think I should have told you sooner to fight, that your soul wouldn't remain in this timeline once you died, so it wouldn't be good for him anyway if you let him kill you.

Especially thinking back to the expression on his face when he saw that it was time for your execution.

You probably wouldn't have listened to me. I guess you had the right idea. You kept signing the same thing: "I do not want to fight." Asgore understood. I told you that, right? Did I tell you about the way his hands trembled, the way some sort of memory shone through his eyes? I still wonder if he somehow knew I was with you. But, again, how could he be aware of me? Toriel wasn't, after all. Why would he be any different?

He kept throwing more and more fire at you after that. I told you, then, that talking wouldn't do any good anymore. And still, you didn't listen. You tried signing over and over, the same gestures every time. Your skin was charred and bruised and bleeding, and I yelled at you: "All you can do is  _fight!_ "

I'm sorry for doing that. I'm sorry for losing my patience. What good could I have done either way? You're weak, you know. You had that dagger, but you had too much empathy, too much love, too much goodness to lay any real harm to him before he was able to overpower you completely.

And he did it. He won. He killed you. Of course, I stayed for a little longer. I think that's what they call morbid curiosity. I knew I wouldn't like what I saw.

Do you know what the king did when he realized that your soul was unattainable, that your soul couldn't join the others, that there was no way to warn himself in another timeline against that outcome, that he'd just murdered an innocent child only to gain nothing but disappointment and a burnt soulless husk?

I think, at this point, you know what he did. And now you know that I watched him scream and roar and cry as he clawed through his white fur frantically and furiously before picking up the trident covered in your final bloodstains and stabbing himself over and over until his body was nothing but blood and dust.

That was one epiphany for me. It brought three things to light.

One, I love you.

Two, if I watched you die, for real, for good, I would want to do the same thing.

Three, I could do more to protect you.

I knew your determination would bring you back over and over. But was it unlimited? Would you always have the courage to infinitely repeat your tedious battles? Or would you eventually give up on everything and depart from your mortal body altogether?

That's somewhat what happened to me, wasn't it? Maybe it was very different, depending on how you look at it. I had determination. After all, you have my soul, and my soul has that power. But my determination wasn't for being alive. It was the opposite. It manifested as power for Asriel to use to destroy humanity. The people who hurt him. The people who hurt them. The people who hurt us. He didn't use it. He could have saved the monsters, but he chose to let everything be wasted.

Even if our soul ended up being ripped from us, I didn't want everything you believed in to go to waste. So thank you for fighting the second time. Thank you for trusting me.

Did you know about everything I felt?

Protecting you didn't just mean protecting you from death. It meant protecting you from seeing such a gruesome mutilation, from such a traumatic sin. I focused as much energy as I could on protecting the king so that you left him just enough life for him to have mercy on you.

I wondered if that was our ending. You would live happily with him. Maybe, if we were lucky, I could actually see him again, too. Maybe we would be safe. Would you have wanted that ending? Would you have wanted to be trapped with every other monster in a happy refuge from humanity?

Right. It didn't matter.

A little too late, he came to destroy all.


End file.
